Couples Therapy: Can Couples Counselling Work if Only One Partner Wants to Go?
Many couples find themselves at a crossroads when considering couples therapy: one partner wants to improve the relationship, while the other is hesitant or resistant. This situation can feel disheartening and leave you wondering if couples counselling is even possible. Can couples therapy work, and is there value in attending if only one partner wants to go? This article explores these questions and offers insights into how couples therapy can be a unique path forward, even when one partner is not on board.
Introduction to Couples Therapy
Reluctance As Something to Explore
It's essential to acknowledge and validate that differing levels of enthusiasm for couples therapy are common. Finding yourself in a position where one partner wants to go to couples therapy and the other is resistant doesn't necessarily indicate a deeper problem within the relationship, although it may be an indicator of one. It simply reflects that each individual approaches challenges and seeks support in different ways. Understanding and respecting these differences is the first step toward finding a way forward that honours both partners' needs and concerns. Often, the hesitant partner may have valid reasons for their reluctance, and these reasons deserve careful consideration.
Can Therapy Help?
The central question is whether couples therapy can help if only one partner is willing to attend individual sessions. The good news is that individual therapy can still significantly impact the relationship. While couples counselling is often seen as a joint effort, the willingness of one partner to engage in self-reflection and growth can create positive ripples that affect the entire dynamic. Even if a partner is not present, the insights gained and changes made through individual therapy can lead to improved communication, healthier boundaries, and a deeper understanding of relational patterns.
Existential Therapy as a Unique Path Forward
Existential therapy offers a unique perspective when one partner wants couples therapy and the other does not. This approach focuses on individual responsibility, meaning-making, and the exploration of personal values. Unlike other forms of therapy, it does not seek to diagnose or "fix" the relationship, but instead, empowers each individual to make conscious choices about their own life and their role within the relationship. By focusing on individual authenticity and self-awareness, existential therapy can create a solid foundation for either strengthening the partnership or navigating it toward a healthy resolution.
Exploring the Reluctance of One Partner
Reasons for Hesitation: Fear and Vulnerability
There are many reasons why one partner in a relationship might be hesitant about couples therapy or marriage counselling. Often, this hesitation stems from fear, manifesting in several ways:
The partner may fear being blamed or ganged up on during couples counselling
They may also find it difficult to be vulnerable with a therapist, especially when the relationship feels strained
Previous negative experiences with therapists or therapy, or a general discomfort with discussing personal issues, can also contribute to this reluctance. Addressing these fears and validating these concerns is crucial. Sometimes finding an individual therapist first is a good start.
Reluctance Doesn’t Mean the End
It's vital to understand that one partner feeling hesitant about going to couples therapy does not automatically spell doom for the relationship. Many couples experience this dynamic, and it simply indicates that there are different comfort levels and perspectives on seeking help. A hesitant partner may need more reassurance, a different approach to therapy, or more time to feel safe and open to the process. It is important to remember that relationships are complex and can navigate challenges if approached with empathy and understanding. Counselling works best when partners work together.
Existential Ideas around Choice and Resistance to Change
Existential therapy provides a helpful framework for understanding resistance to change. This approach emphasises individual choice and responsibility, acknowledging that each person has the freedom to choose how they respond to life's challenges. The partner may resist going to couples therapy because they fear the unknown or are uncomfortable confronting difficult emotions. Existential ideas encourage self-awareness and the exploration of personal values, which can help both partners better understand their own needs and motivations within the relationship.
The Power of Individual Therapy in a Relational Context
The Impact of Individual Work on Couples Therapy
Even when one partner is reluctant, individual therapy can still have a profound impact on the relationship. When one partner wants to go to couples therapy, the other may be resistant; however, their individual therapy can promote self-awareness, emotional regulation, and healthier communication patterns. These changes can then ripple outward, influencing the couple's dynamic even if one partner is not present in the individual session. Remember, individual growth is essential for improving relational health.
How Personal Growth Can Shift Relational Dynamics
Personal growth achieved through individual therapy can act as a catalyst for positive change within the relationship. As one partner develops a deeper understanding of their needs, values, and relational patterns, they can bring these insights to the partnership, leading to more authentic and fulfilling interactions. This growth can inspire curiosity and a willingness to engage in couples counselling.
Existential Therapy's Role in Reflecting on Needs and Values
This type of therapy helps individuals clarify what truly matters to them, both in life and in their relationships. By exploring these existential questions, individuals can gain a greater sense of purpose and direction, leading to more intentional and meaningful choices. It can offer new perspectives on old issues.
Progression in Couples Counselling
Creating Space for Curiosity and Participation
Over time, as one partner engages in individual therapy or even attends couples therapy alone, they create a space for the other partner to become curious and perhaps even participate. Seeing the positive changes in their partner, such as improved communication or a greater sense of self-awareness, can pique their interest. The hesitant partner may begin to feel safer and more willing to explore the possibility of joining the therapy process. This gradual shift is a testament to the power of individual growth within a relational context.
Change Doesn’t Require Simultaneous Engagement
It's crucial to understand that positive change in a relationship does not always require both partners to begin couples counselling or individual therapy simultaneously. Sometimes, one partner taking the lead and attending individual sessions is enough to set the wheels in motion. This individual work can inspire the other partner and create a more supportive environment for future collaboration.
Encouragement Around Patience and Relational Autonomy
Patience is key when navigating the dynamic of one partner wanting to go to couples therapy and the other being hesitant. Relational autonomy, the ability for each partner to maintain their sense of self and make independent choices, is also crucial. Avoid pressuring your partner or making them feel guilty for not being ready. Instead, focus on your own growth and trust that, in time, they may feel more comfortable exploring therapy. Remember, change happens at its own pace, and respecting each other's autonomy is essential for a healthy relationship.
When One Partner Attends Couples Therapy Alone
Initial Individual Sessions with a Couples Therapist
In some cases, a couples therapist may meet with one partner initially, conducting individual sessions to gain a deeper understanding of the relationship dynamics. Even when one partner is not present, the therapist can still help the attending partner explore their concerns, identify patterns, and develop healthier coping mechanisms. These individual sessions can lay the groundwork for future couples counselling with a different therapist, should the other partner become willing to participate.
Existential Therapists and Non-Imposed Outcomes
An existential therapist approaches couples therapy with a focus on individual responsibility and meaning-making, rather than imposing specific outcomes or solutions. They do not dictate whether a couple should stay together or separate. Instead, they create a space for both partners to explore their values, needs, and desires, empowering them to make conscious choices about the future of their relationship. This non-directive approach can be particularly helpful when one partner is hesitant, as it avoids pressure and allows for authentic exploration.
The Value of a Reflective Space for Untangling Relationship Issues
Attending couples therapy, even when one partner wants to go alone, provides a valuable reflective space for untangling complex relationship issues. A therapist can help the attending partner gain clarity about their own role in the relationship dynamics, identify unmet needs, and develop healthier communication strategies. This process of self-reflection can lead to a deeper understanding of the relationship and empower the individual to make more conscious and intentional choices, regardless of whether the other partner attends.
FAQs about Attending Therapy Alone for Relationship Issues
Will Going Alone Make Things Worse?
Many people worry whether going to couples therapy or individual therapy alone will make things worse. The fear that attending individual sessions, when only one partner wants to go, can exacerbate existing issues is understandable. However, in many cases, one partner starting the therapy process is a catalyst for positive change. Individual therapy can still affect the relationship and create an environment where both partners feel safer and more willing to communicate openly.
Can Therapy Help Me Decide Whether to Stay in the Relationship?
If you are questioning whether to stay in the relationship or not, then therapy may be beneficial. Exploring these concerns with a therapist, either through couples therapy or individual sessions, can help you clarify your values, needs, and desires. A couples therapist can provide a supportive space for you to examine the dynamics of the relationship and gain insights into your own role within it. Ultimately, therapy may empower you to make a conscious decision about the future of the relationship, whether that means staying together or separating.
Should I Wait Until They’re Ready?
Deciding whether to wait for your partner to be ready for couples counselling is a common dilemma. While it's tempting to postpone seeking help until both individuals are on board, waiting may prolong feelings of dissatisfaction and disconnect. If one partner wants to go to couples therapy, then it may be wise to seek individual therapy instead. Individual therapy can still have a profound impact on the relationship, even if your partner is not ready. This work can inspire curiosity and a willingness to engage in couples counselling together in the future.
Conclusion: The Journey of Couples Counselling
Therapy as a Step Toward Self-Understanding
Seeking therapy, whether as a couple or individually, is a significant step toward self-understanding and personal growth. Individual sessions can provide valuable insights into your own relational patterns, needs, and desires. This deeper self-awareness not only enhances your personal well-being but also has the potential to positively impact your relationships. Seeking individual therapy can be seen as an act of self-care and a commitment to personal growth, regardless of what the other partner is doing.
If you're navigating the complexities of a relationship where one partner wants to go to therapy and the other is hesitant, consider reaching out. This initial conversation can help you explore your options, address your concerns, and determine whether individual therapy or couples therapy might be the best path forward. Even if your partner is not currently on board, taking the first step toward seeking help can be empowering and transformative.